like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
