it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
