How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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