DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Come share oat with me in your robe
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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