I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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