he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
