Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
