i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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