and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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