Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
