Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
