the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
