Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We have started to decorate penises.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
