somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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