things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
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