I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
