you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
