so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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