I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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