he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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