I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
we're making bets on your personal life
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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