if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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