I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
