The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
