The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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