Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
