maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Randomize
