I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
