"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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