I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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