Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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