I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
