How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
