she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
