First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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