Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
