This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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