i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
