I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize