i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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