Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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