I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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