so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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