You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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