Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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