a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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