I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
