I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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