All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
