i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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