i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
