I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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