my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
